well,

here you are again. right back where it all started. hopefully, you can keep your thoughts here and remember to write often cause you need an outlet. big time. =]

so...let's get started girlie. and...lets begin with...parts of life as senior

seniority. so this summer, so much has been going on its crazy. you dream constantly of becoming this...fashion designer. have you even thought about how HARD and how INTIMIDATING everything is going to get? life isnt perfect, and things arent going to just "magically" come to you. you have to WORK. being lazy isnt going to get you anywhere...but, its still hard sometimes to keep up that gung-ho attitude. time runs on and on, and the next thing you know...its up. there's moderation...but you havent quite found it yet. its something like...a falling snowflake. its gorgeous...for the time that it can remain in its snowy form, but once it hits the ground, its time is up. it only has so much time. so do you. so...make the most of it. stop being lazy.
   but...thats easier said than done. sometimes, i wish that i could just stop time for a day, and get things done. but...thats how i feel during the summer!! that theres just time and time adn time and time and i can just keep on putting things off. but i cant, and i shouldnt. help...i need to try harder, push harder, reach limits...and break them.

enough about time. now to...thoughts and feelings. ever feel like there are two sides of you? one that is moody, dark, emotional...and the other that is trying, gung-ho, encouraging? i feel like...im always at a struggle between the two. my Dear Heavenly Father...even puts me into these situations that display them. one side of me is reflected in one friend, the other, in the other friend. and as i was caught then, i remain caught now. people who know get angry at me, and tell me to just pick ONE. but...can you choose between two sides of your personality? once you have defined who you are and know who you are...can you just kick the other one out? its harder and more apinful thank others think it is...its not that easy. its not fun. i have a fallacy. i dont know how to like one person for a long period of time...but maybe thats good? who knows...
   do i want someone who can know and understand how i feel?
    or...do i want someone who knows HOW i feel?...
there are times when i wish that i could see a glimpse of my future, then maybe i can get my present straightened out. or something...

senior year: is filled with olds and news. im getting really bored. im getting complacent. im getting tired easily. im finding no real happiness. i look around, and i see disarray a lot and it baffles and concerns me. God has made me a very unusually feeling person, so emotions flood through me a lot more fierce than most. the torn feeling of love/lust, sex/purity, friends/backstabber, school/life/family...i need to find more joy. not happiness. i can find that easily...but JOY. long, lasting, JOY. im so busy senior year, im taking on so much. its overwhelming sometimes i cant even get things straight. im so confused at what to do with my time...i sometimes just put off everything cause theres just too much to do. i run away...its hard to face loads and loads of work. i just need to learn how to look at things small scale. >.< ill work on that...
  going on senior year still...theres been fun times, but i feel like..high school is just a fleeting feeling. like...i spend 4 years herem but when im older...who will CARE where i went to high school? why do i need to really pay that much attention to it? but then again...im starting to like my school...iono. im just baffled.

in relations to college and other things future. applications take up so much time. portfolios take up much much more. i wish i didnt take drill team, that i took art, so that i could have more work to show to art schools instead of trying to just find one after another...but o well, i guess. its past, and i just need to work hard. i just dont like rushing art. art shouldnt have to be rushed, but im just geting dang good at it. my creations are turning more adn more sloppy...i need to just relax and get in a zone. the deadline for portfolios are coming up...and im worried im just...not good enough. i feel like im not good enough. that im just a little fish in a shark pond. that im going to just...bust my butt in failure. that they'll laugh. im scared this time...

the topic of creativity. God's always blessed me with creativity...[why i wanna do fashion design] but...im feeling dry. i need inspiration, i need more God, more life, more stories, more...SOMETHING. i wrote songs again this summer. i found my voice, i reached to God again...then..somewhere along the way, i began to lose Him. and thats a scary thought. its...frightening. i feel like, i do my best creations when im bored, when im not sitting in a class trying to create, it just...comes. but now...it goes...where?

family is finally finally wonderful. ill write on that another day. =]

on solitude. i like being by myself a lot now. i wont reject company, comapny's always good. but solitude is nice. when im at school, im not as social as i used to be. i dont feel the need to be involved in conversations as much, i dont try to impress, i dont try to show off...i just sit. complacently. pick me to be in your group...IF YOU WANT. ill eat lunch with you...IF YOU WANT. sure, i can try to pick ou up...IF YOU WANT. i have no more drive. where has it all gone? where are my social strings going off to? but then again, te peace...i think my life is too full. i just want to get away with one or two people, or just me, myself, and my God.

God...my love, my life...how i have deserted you again. i try so hard to put myself in good situations, and find myself thinking of the bad. i wish that i could find a reason to just trust and love you with ALL that i am...ALL the time. but, its getting diffulcult. quiet times are lacking heart adn soul...and music...music. how i long to sing and play for you...but for some reason, words fail to be sung, songs fail to be played. where has all my love gone?/ why do i feel so dry? i dont understand whats going on. i have spiritual understanding, im still learning...but...where are the EMOTIONS? where are my emotions?
...why have i begun to feel so cold. against the world, im shutting out. im feeling selfish, but i hate to admit it.

i struggle with my pride, all the time. i want people to think of me well. my past reputation, i try to dissipate and make people forget about it. i want them to think that i am doing something right. that im now stupid, that im not a blonde, that im not just trying to be a slut or seem rich or shallow. i want people that think or see that im REAL...but...why do i still feel like its not always the way it seems? my pride gets in teh way. PUSH IT OUT!!! but its hard. cause, apart of me cant seem to let it go...man...i sound like my friend. almost exactly like him...
  i even got into a fight with him last week over this. i think, a lot of it was that i couldnt take it. it was hitting too close to my heart, and i hated that it seemed like i was too exposed. im used to telling others my story...cause ive become immune to it when i speak it out. but...when i have to LISTEN to a story like mine...i actually LISTEN, and wheni listen...i THINk..and when i THINK...i REMEMBER. and when i remember...it hurts. he talked about pain, about showing up people, proving himself worthy...something that ive tried to do all my life. he talked about insecurity, confusion...something im beginning to face every day. he spoke about death, lonliness, pain...something i try not to remember. too much of him sounds like too much of me. and when i come face to face with myself...i realize that i cant even face myself. its hard to still accept who i am. cause...im still just so messed up.

sure, theres hope, sure, theres faith and love and trust and la la la. but...im not writing about that. cause thats what i usually write about. and its the pain and the mistakes that im afraid of telling. so...im using xanga again. to remind myself. to check myself. im not perfect. im still learning. i dont know how to be content with myself all the time...but its a work in progress. i need to find my God and get connected fast. i feel like im slipping. i need a ledge to grab onto. i need bushes to fall on. i need support.

there's no point in life, if God is not present in you. keep me going God, keep me going. im scared. i dont know anything. im getting and im running farther from you...cause you'll just make me face my faults again. but...maybe i can be brave.

i know You'll never ask for more, so ill try my best.

christine, you'll never know everything...but always remember that you're not perfect. that's what God is there for. that's why He chooses to make you suffer and go through xperiences the way He has. hang on girl...there'll be something great for you at the end. hang on tight...there's still a lot more life to live. you can do it. He'll walk with you every step of the way. God loves you christine. dont forget that.

goodnight.